Go the F**k to Sleep - Why this book is appealing to so many parents

I've seen this book by Adam Mansbach posted on so many Facebook feeds now that I've lost count.  I almost watch it every single time someone posts it on my wall.  I've had friends specifically suggest that this book was written for me... about my children, and they would not be far wrong.

But surely I am not the only parent for whom bedtime has been a struggle, hence it's popularity with parents.  In our household it started at birth - I had babies that slept in two hour intervals....... for the first six months of their lives.  I thought I might die..... or leave home..... either would have given me the break I so desperately longed for.  Toddlerhood did not bring much of a reprieve, from my firstborn at least (my second born was marginally better).  I taught her to use a DVD player by the age of three... some nights she would be watching Curious George at 11pm while I was up feeding her baby sister for the 17th time that day.  Sleep by this stage was a joke that I thought people would mention just to mess with my head.

My second born did okay in toddlerhood.... but by four years of age she was in our bed up to 10 times a night.  I tried walking her back to bed, but after nine nights in a row of little to no sleep, I placed a mattress on the floor next to me.   Sleep next to me, sleep in my bed while I go and sleep in yours, I'll sleep on the couch and you can sleep next to your Dad - I no longer cared, as long as I got some sleep.

Are you still with me?  Have I frightened you off with my poor display of parenting?  :)  I hope not.  For there is a story to be told in all of this - and one that I hope will be helpful to all of those parents of babies, toddlers and children out there for whom bedtime is a nightmare.

My biggest stressor in all of it - for me?  Was the little inner voice that my children 'should' be doing something (such as being asleep by 7pm or having daytime sleeps of 3 hours).  That I as a parent, I 'should' be able to get them to go to bed or the belief that children 'shouldn't' be sleeping in our bed.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't love co-sleeping, it's not for me really - I don't sleep well with a child in my room. BUT when I put the mattress on the floor next to me and let her sleep there, did I get much better sleep than when she was making me get up 10 times a night? - heck yes!

When I made my children go to bed at 7pm and then struggled, fought, cajoled and pleaded with them for 2 hours to go to sleep - did I feel stressed? Yes!

But when I chose to allow them to determine when they were tired, then put them to bed at that point, whereupon they were asleep within 10 minutes - was that far less stressful for me? Yes!

I learned that in our household, there was a need to be flexible with regard to sleeping (we are less flexible about certain other things such as manners, respect and courtesy) - and this, at the end of the day made the whole thing far less stressful for me as a parent (and I can only assume far less stressful for my children!)

My children (now aged 4.5 and 6 years) are usually in bed by 8.30 on school nights.  Weekend nights they go to bed when they please and most nights they are up later than their dad (but then he isn't particularly what you'd call a 'night person').  The rule is that by 7.30pm they are to have toiletted, cleaned their teeth, and be upstairs either playing in the toy-room, watching a DVD, reading or in bed.  That has been how I, as a parent, have dealt with the issue of needing some time to myself at night.  

The youngest is back to sleeping in her bed by the way - rarely coming in to me at night (though she did ask to share a room with her sister and that is working well for now).  It turned out not to be behavioural - but in fact she was sleep-walking during the night.... so the walking her back to bed and getting cross with her was all totally futile and my decision to let her just sleep next to me was the best thing all around - after six months, the sleepwalking stopped and the mattress was once again stored away :)

Does enforcing a strict bedtime routine work for some families - that is a resounding yes - and if this is what your family chooses to do then I applaud you for it (and in fact will admit to a little envy).  But it did not work for our family - and I know there are many families out there for whom bedtime and sleeping is still a massive issue.  My suggestion?  If it's not working - try something else.  Don't listen to the people who tell you that you 'can't' do it that way and that you 'should' do it this way.  You and your family need to find what works for you.

I would love to hear people's experiences with bedtime; please share with us any issues you have with sleeptime (from babies to young children) and any hints and tips that you have that have helped your family.  If you would like to see an article with more in-depth suggestions for sleeping problems, please leave a comment :)

Self-confident and Independent Kids...... Is that what we want?

Welcome to you all - to this, our first post for Growing Resilient Rugrats.  There's a reason for that name, which I will no doubt share with you somewhere down the track (remind me will you, if I forget?)

As a parent of two small children (and psychologist to boot), I remember turning to my husband after a particularly trying day with the girls and saying "honey, do you remember how we said that we wanted to raise independent, free-thinking children?  Well, I've changed my mind, I want them compliant and submissive!".  He laughed.  I laughed.  I was only half-kidding.

We have raised our girls (well so far) so be able to think for themselves, to have an opinion, to feel like they are allowed to express their side of the story.  We have tried to balance this with teaching them respect (for themselves and others) and to have an understanding of when you have to follow the rules and when it's okay to question the 'system' as it were. 

But you know what? They are only four and six years old, so sometimes they get the balance wrong.  Sometimes their 'independence' can come across as a bit sassy and precocious and I - in my darker parent-guilt moments - question whether we've done the right thing - teaching them that it's okay to have a voice.

In my less guilt-ridden moments (usually these are coupled with having had a decent night's sleep and a good day with the kids) I am pleased that they are confident - even if I still have to teach them when to tame the confidence so it doesn't seem like they are being obnoxious.  And why?

Because research has shown that teaching young children social skills, building their confidence and teaching them emotional resilience - these are skills that will stay with them for life.  These skills help them to deal effectively with difficult and anxiety-producing situations.

Research shows that emotionally resilient and social skilled children are:
• More successful at school
• Exhibit fewer behavioural problems at school, and
• Relate better to parents, teachers and peers

All children can benefit from increasing their coping skills. However, if children fall into any of the following categories, they may benefit especially from being given confidence and resilience skills early in life (though it's never too late to learn these skills).


• Excessive worry
• Avoidance of strange situations
• Shyness
• Difficulty in ‘resting’ and going to sleep
• Irritability
• Poor concentration
• Perfectionism

So do I cringe a little when my darling poppets get up on stage to do their ballet concerts and madly start throwing 'kisses' into the audience in the middle of their performances?  Um... sure... a little :) 

When my daughters question something I have said and put across their own point of view (which turns out to be quite valid) do I wish that I had raised them to not question a thing I've said?  Sure.. some days.  But at the end of the day, I know that self-confidence and resilience in kids is a good thing .... and I'm sure my husband will agree that he loves living in a house with three strong independent women (he he he).